Is my hair long
Is my hair short
Do I smoke into lungs
or mouth

Am I celibate
or a luscious creature of touch

Who knows

As I chew on my gum
I longingly think
of something
years in the making
carefully cultivated
very sophisticated

my very own
personal
ick of life

Am I well
or just very good
at arranging my symptoms

Do I want to be held
or observed
very closely

Do I want your hand
on the small of my back
or some evidence
that it was there

Am I soft
or have I simply learned
not to flinch

Someone once
touched my forehead
to see if I had a fever

I have been trying
to recreate
the conditions
ever since

I like the word
benign

I like the word
malignant

I like when someone
says

let me see

and I show them

Notice

the little change
in temperature

the pause
before I answer

the particular way
I have gone quiet
beneath something soft

I can make anything
into a sign

I can make a sign
into a symptom

I can make a symptom
into something
almost tender

And there it is

that little
ick

How disgusting

Come closer





Greta Kaluževičiūtė is a Lithuanian writer. Her prose—published under her own name and multiple pseudonyms—has appeared in Do Not Submit, Expat Press, Hobart Pulp, Plague Circus Press, 3AM:Magazine, Ritual Dagger, and various obscure corners of the internet. She is also a psychoanalytic researcher and holds a PhD in Psychoanalytic Studies from the University of Essex, UK. In addition to her writing and research, she is the author of eskimo kisses, an ongoing photography project examining intimacy through uncanny encounters.

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