How to play?

In the New York Times Connections game, players “find groups of four items that share something in common... Each puzzle has exactly one solution. Watch out for words that seem to belong to multiple categories! Each group is assigned a color, which will be revealed as you solve.”

However, this is not the New York Times Connections game. This is the Not New York Times Connections game.

There are at least five solutions in this particular puzzle, probably more. This puzzle was created by one man, and its categories are subjective. Maybe your categories will match some of his. Maybe you’ll come up with better solutions. Maybe you’ll learn a little too much about him. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself. Maybe you’ll think he’s being too elusive, and he should say what he’s trying to say a little less cryptically. Maybe you should make your own game if you disagree with him or don’t like how he put this together. Maybe you should remember this is just a game, and games are meant to be fun. Maybe he’s not trying to have fun, he’s trying to feel seen without being perceived.

Maybe you should just play the game.

Solution 1

YELLOW: QUEER CHARACTERS PORTRAYED BY STRAIGHT ACTORS

Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain
Timothee Chalamet & That Peach
Cate Blanchett in Tár
Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde

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GREEN: REFERENCED IN THE 2020 SPIRIT AWARDS TRIBUTE TO LAURA DERN

Laura Dern dressed slutty in court
J. Lo Pole Dancing to Fiona Apple
The Women of Parasite
Idina Menzel in Uncut Gems

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BLUE: HEAR ME OUT…

Shego from Kim Possible
Austin Butler in Dune: Part Two
Heather Ledger in The Dark Knight
Mrs. Incredible

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PURPLE: I SHOULD LIKE IT BUT SOMETHING FEELS OFF

Mark Wahlberg’s Penis in Boogie Nights
Heated Rivalry and its Lack of Visible Penis
Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein
Blue Jennifer Lawrence in the X-Men Prequels

Solution 2

YELLOW: PEOPLE WHO FUCK SHIT UP (VIOLENTLY)

Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde
Shego from Kim Possible
Austin Butler in Dune: Part Two
Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein

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GREEN: PEOPLE WHO FUCK SHIT UP (SEXUALLY)

Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain
Timothee Chalamet & That Peach
Mark Wahlberg’s Penis in Boogie Nights
Heated Rivalry and its Lack of Visible Penis

---

BLUE: PEOPLE WHO FUCK SHIT UP (FIGURATIVELY)

Cate Blanchett in Tár
The Women of Parasite
J. Lo Pole Dancing to Fiona Apple
Blue Jennifer Lawrence in the X-Men Prequels

---

PURPLE: WOULD LOWKEY CALL ME A HOMOPHOBIC SLUR (BUT I WOULDN’T EVEN MIND…)

Laura Dern dressed slutty in court
Heather Ledger in The Dark Knight
Idina Menzel in Uncut Gems
Mrs. Incredible

Solution 3

YELLOW: ACADEMY AWARD-NOMINATED PERFORMANCE

Laura Dern dressed slutty in court
Cate Blanchett in Tár
Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein
Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain

---

GREEN: INELIGIBLE FOR ACADEMY AWARD BUT DESERVES IT ANYWAY

Shego from Kim Possible
Mrs. Incredible
Mark Wahlberg’s Penis in Boogie Nights
Heated Rivalry and its Lack of Visible Penis

---

BLUE: WOULD WIN THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR HOTTEST MESSY PERSON

Austin Butler in Dune: Part Two
Heather Ledger in The Dark Knight
The Women of Parasite
J. Lo Pole Dancing to Fiona Apple

---

PURPLE: DREAM CAST FOR THE NEXT QUEER LUCA GUADAGNINO FILM

Timothee Chalamet & That Peach
Blue Jennifer Lawrence in the X-Men Prequels
Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde
Idina Menzel in Uncut Gems

Solution 4

YELLOW: BISEXUAL AWAKENING PT. 1 (PRETEEN)

Shego from Kim Possible
Mrs. Incredible
Blue Jennifer Lawrence in the X-Men Prequels
Heather Ledger in The Dark Knight

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GREEN: BISEXUAL AWAKENING PT. 2 (TEEN)

Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde
J. Lo Dancing to Fiona Apple
Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain
Timothee Chalamet & That Peach

---

BLUE: BISEXUAL CONFIRMATION (YOUNG ADULT)

Laura Dern dressed slutty in court
The Women of Parasite
Idina Menzel in Uncut Gems
Mark Wahlberg’s Penis in Boogie Nights

---

PURPLE: BISEXUAL REMINDER (ADULT)

Austin Butler in Dune: Part Two
Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein
Heated Rivalry and its Lack of Visible Penis
Cate Blanchett in Tár

Solution 5

YELLOW: IT’S HARD NOT TO LOOK AT THEIR HIPS WHEN THEY’RE ONSCREEN

Mrs. Incredible
Shego from Kim Possible
Idina Menzel in Uncut Gems
Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain

---

GREEN: CHARACTERS FROM MOVIES I WATCHED WITH HIM

Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde
Heather Ledger in The Dark Knight
J. Lo Pole Dancing to Fiona Apple
Timothee Chalamet & That Peach

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BLUE: CHARACTERS FROM MOVIES I’VE WATCHED WITH HER

Cate Blanchett in Tár
The Women of Parasite
Austin Butler in Dune: Part Two
Laura Dern dressed slutty in court

---

PURPLE: THEY MAKE ME THINK OF HIM

Mark Wahlberg’s Penis in Boogie Nights
Heated Rivalry and its Lack of Visible Penis
Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein
Blue Jennifer Lawrence in the X-Men Prequels






Jeremy Mauser is an MFA candidate in Creative Writing at the University of Alabama. His prose, poetry, and everything in between are featured or forthcoming in Sonora Review, New Delta Review, and Eggplant Emoji, among other publications. He is an Assistant Fiction & Nonfiction Editor at Black Warrior Review, a Reader at the Masters Review, and a stand-up comic.

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