20 Performative
Uses for a Bar of
Ivory Soap
—
Alexandra Naughton
there are many things you can do
before a live audience
with a bar of ivory soap
don’t ask me why
the answer is always why not
fill a bucket with hot water and wash your hands
touch your face and then wash your hands again
stand behind a friend and wash your friend’s hands
as if they’re a small child needing assistance
stand before a mirror and wash vigorously while repeating i forgive you
an act so heinous
there should be a coordinated statement coming any moment
hand an undampened bar to someone you disrespect
hand a slippery bubbly bar to someone you love carelessly
fashion a bludgeoning device with a frilled white sock
whip it above your head while wailing
grate a corner and throw up confetti
lick a wide side and skate one-footed across the floor
dancing queen plays in the background
chop into bits and gift to acquaintances who could use a hint
write a message of understanding on your front windows
prank parmesan
move mushbodied through a seated audience
rub the foreheads of those watching you
whisper your most precious memory into the lather opposite your elbow
draw soap outlines around your regrets
light a blow torch and melt the bar over your head
repeat the phrase i’ll hold a candle for you
construct a noisy booby trap (think kevin mccallister in home alone) by the entrance for latecomers
so everyone else knows they dilly dallied
find the sleepiest looking person in the audience
stand behind them and sprinkle soap flakes over their head
while singing wake up dorothy wake up dorothy
on bent knees, shave off thin slices
instruct your audience to form a queue
and pass them out as communion wafers
body of soap
amen
stick a bar in your mouth and face the corner
recite all the times you did everything right
and got what you wanted
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Alexandra Naughton is a writer, publisher, and literary events producer based in Philadelphia. Her third novel, Fake Company, is forthcoming from Maudlin House in winter 2027.
Website | Substack | Twitter | Instagram
before a live audience
with a bar of ivory soap
don’t ask me why
the answer is always why not
fill a bucket with hot water and wash your hands
touch your face and then wash your hands again
stand behind a friend and wash your friend’s hands
as if they’re a small child needing assistance
stand before a mirror and wash vigorously while repeating i forgive you
an act so heinous
there should be a coordinated statement coming any moment
hand an undampened bar to someone you disrespect
hand a slippery bubbly bar to someone you love carelessly
fashion a bludgeoning device with a frilled white sock
whip it above your head while wailing
grate a corner and throw up confetti
lick a wide side and skate one-footed across the floor
dancing queen plays in the background
chop into bits and gift to acquaintances who could use a hint
write a message of understanding on your front windows
prank parmesan
move mushbodied through a seated audience
rub the foreheads of those watching you
whisper your most precious memory into the lather opposite your elbow
draw soap outlines around your regrets
light a blow torch and melt the bar over your head
repeat the phrase i’ll hold a candle for you
construct a noisy booby trap (think kevin mccallister in home alone) by the entrance for latecomers
so everyone else knows they dilly dallied
find the sleepiest looking person in the audience
stand behind them and sprinkle soap flakes over their head
while singing wake up dorothy wake up dorothy
on bent knees, shave off thin slices
instruct your audience to form a queue
and pass them out as communion wafers
body of soap
amen
stick a bar in your mouth and face the corner
recite all the times you did everything right
and got what you wanted
Alexandra Naughton is a writer, publisher, and literary events producer based in Philadelphia. Her third novel, Fake Company, is forthcoming from Maudlin House in winter 2027.
Website | Substack | Twitter | Instagram